I just discovered I have a blog....

Apparently, there are 80,000 new blogs created each day.  So, I guess I am one of those now.  I actually made this blog in December.  I totally forgot about it, and then tonight, I thought, hey, maybe I will start a blog.  And I stumbled across this one.  If I remember correctly, I started it because I was in a very confusing time in my life.  I was faced with a big, I mean, HUGE decision to make that would affect everything in my life.  I needed to write about it, but I have never been any good at journaling.  Maybe I will be better at blogging.

My first post in December was going to be called "About me, Mormon Missionaries, and Discovering my own Faith".  I don't remember why I didn't finish it, and I don't remember what I was going to say, but it seems like a good place to start.  On December 12, 2010, I wrote this:

"Re-examining something you've been taught is a lot harder than I thought.  It's like if your whole life you've been told two plus two equals four, and then someone else says it equals five, and you start double guessing yourself.  Anyway, I can't look at this from an unbiased view point.  I'm always thinking that's not what my parents taught me, that's not what I learned in Sunday School.  When I think about it, it seems silly that God would care at all for me.  I'm so unlovable, and he's so mighty."

What was going on in my life when I wrote this?  In November 2010,  I started to get to know a couple Mormon Missionaries, or Elders, who volunteered at my work.  They invited me to church, and the first couple of times, I declined, and told them that I didn't think I would agree with their theology.  To be honest, I  knew very little about their theology.  They weren't the first missionaries I had gotten to know at work, but they were the first that invited me to church.  In December, they came to my apartment and we talked for a couple hours.  The next day, I went to their church.

Over the next couple of months,  I became deeply confused about religion and God.  Previously, in my life I had sought a relationship with God, but for what ever reason, never could find satisfaction.  I had felt the Spirit in my life, but those moments were few and far between.  But with the Elders, and at the LDS Church, I felt the Spirit strongly.  And I was ashamed at that, because I had always been taught that Mormonism was a cult, and I felt like I was turning my back on my family, and everyone and everything else in my life.

I was also so uncomfortable.  The Elders were challenging me to better my life, and I was scared of change, and scared of giving up the things I knew were bad for me, things I couldn't let go of, because I was addicted to them.  I was stuck, and comfortable being stuck in the same life, no matter how miserable I was.  The Elders were great and patient, and because eight of them volunteered at my work, I had a lot of support from them.  By the end of January, I was able to see that my dependencies were self destructive.  And by the beginning of February, I was able to give them up, only because I relied entirely on God's strength.

My confusion lessened, and my surety in what the Elders taught me, was strengthening.  But I had not told my family, and dreaded doing so.  I imagined the worst, that they would hate me and turn their backs on me.  I realize now that that was unfair of me to imagine, because I should have known just how much my family loves me.  I talked to a missionary, a certain Sister who is now one of my closest friends, and she told me that I had a decision.  I could deny what I was becoming more and more certain was true, and not risk losing my family, or I could stick to the path that I was on, the path that I felt God desired for me to be on, and maybe end up not being a part of my family any longer.

On February 26, I was baptized, and became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  My family still loves me.  They are not happy about my decision, but they still love me, and that is amazing and I thank God for that.  When I made my decision to be baptized, my life came crashing down on me.  Everything changed.  And even though the wind and hail were crashing in on me, I was firm on the Rock of my salvation.

And now, here I am four months after starting this blog, and almost two months after my baptism.  I am still confused about life and love and even sometimes God.  But He has been working little and marvelous miracles in my life, and honestly, the peace, joy and satisfaction I feel now is undeniable.  A few days ago, an Elder said this to me, "You seem different.  What is different about you?"  And I replied, "I'm happy now."

Hopefully, my next post will be about what is going on in my life now.  There is a lot going on.  And just to let you know, even though the title of the blog says it's my musings on religion, politics and life, I don't think I will ever, never ever talk about politics.

Happy Easter, world!