I have been thinking about my future a lot.  Particularly my decision to move to Provo, Utah in the fall to attend Utah Valley University.  I know some people in my life (some who read this blog) absolutely do not want me to go to Utah.  I have not really explained why I feel I need to be there, and why I feel like it is the best place for me to be.  Here it is.

At the beginning of April, I went to Salt Lake City for General Conference.  It was one of the best weekends of my life.  While there, we (my friend, Meg and I) spent an evening in Provo.  Meg went to school at BYU before she left for her mission, so she showed me the BYU campus, drove me by UVU in Orem, showed me where the MTC (the training center for the missionaries) was, and we even stopped outside the Provo Temple.  The gates were locked because it was past nine, but it was beautiful even just seeing it outside the gates.  I felt like I could really see myself living in Provo.  And Utah has a great public transportation system, so getting to SLC or Logan would be easy.

That is when I really began thinking about moving to Utah.  After that trip, things started to really fall in place for me to make that dream a reality.  For one thing, a lot of the missionaries and Mormons I have met here will be going to school in Utah, either at BYU (Provo), UofU (SLC), or USU (Logan).  And one of the best things about Mormons is that the Church is just one big family of support and helpfulness.  For instance, I have been to three different wards in my short time of being a Mormon, and I have always been invited to dinner, offered help with this or that, felt loved and mattered.  I feel a lot better knowing that I will have that support when I move and when I really will probably need it.  I already have been given offers for a job and housing.

But I think what really secured my decision was my move to Fort Collins.  Before I found the place I am staying at now, I had looked at a few other places that had 6-12 month leases.  I applied for these places and was told that my applications were accepted, and even set up times to sign the leases.  Then, on all occasions,  the landlord would call at the last minute and tell me that something came up or they found someone else, and I would not be able to move in.  This was very discouraging at the time.  Then I came across an add for the place I am at now.  It was to sublease a room in a house with two other girls.  The lease ends at the end of July.  As I was driving to Fort Collins to look at the place and meet the girls, I had this feeling that this was going to be the place.  I prayed that if it was God's will, that He would just make it happen.  And He did.  I realize now that if I had signed those other leases, I wouldn't have the opportunity to go to Provo in the fall.  But now, my lease ends right when I need it to, to ensure that I can move in August.

I fully realize that I will have to pay out of state tuition, that college will be tough, especially after not being in school for 3 years, and that not being in Colorado with my family will be sad and hard, and even though I am scared, really scared, I know that in Utah I will grow more than I ever have, in the Gospel I know to be true, and into the person God intends me to be.  Before I joined the Church, while I was still "investigating" as the missionaries call it, I went to the Loveland Stake Conference.  Which is basically like General Conference but just for a stake.  Mission President Ely gave an incredible talk about change.  It is really the only one I remember from the conference.  He made the point of saying that you can not change if you do not change your environment.  At the time, this was hard for me to hear, because I was in a bad environment that was dragging me down, but I didn't know how to change that.  Lately, I have been changing the environments that I am in.  I don't want to be in a place that makes it harder for me to hear the promptings if the Holy Ghost.  And I feel like for me, as a new member, I will find the right environments in Utah.

I love my job, and I love love love my family.  But those are the only things I will be sad to leave behind.  In Utah, I can start fresh.  I will not be in a city that has a liquor store on every corner, or holds past memories that haunt me.  I read an amazing talk by Jeffrey R. Holland today, entitled "Remember Lot's Wife."  It talks a lot about repenting of your sins, and leaving them in the past.  And I am hoping that maybe moving to Utah will help me leave my past in the past.  I fully believe that I should remember my past sins and mistakes in order to learn from them, but I have sincerely repented of them, and know that because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I no longer have to feel guilty for them.

Here is the link to "Remember Lot's Wife."
Remember Lot's Wife

I am not asking anyone to support or understand my decision to leave Colorado for Utah, but I sincerely hope that none of my relationships will be ruined or hurt by this.  I love you, and I am sorry for hurting you.  There are few things in my life that I have been really certain of, but I am absolutely certain of Utah. And I cannot turn my back on that certainty.

Untitled

Hello, World!  I haven't written in a few days.  I have spent the past week really struggling with wanting to give in to my past addictions, namely alcohol.  It's ridiculous that I want to drink, because I have seen so many blessings in my life since giving it up.  I hate the person I become when I am drunk.  I hate the things I do and say, and I hate the way I feel.  And yet, I still crave it.  It has just been over 3 months since I had my last drink.  Here are the differences in my life that I have seen since giving it up:

1. I have not gotten sick.  I am not saying I won't ever get sick again, but this past winter, when I was drinking almost every night, I got the flu, a sinus infection, and pretty much just a constant cold.  I don't know if this is because I was drinking a lot, but I seem to be healthier when I don't drink.
2. I do not wake up hung over.  Although I have been having problems with my sleeping and because of that do not have a lot of energy, I still have more energy and healthy feelings than I did when I was spending my day hung over.
3. I don't do stupid things like I did when I would get drunk.  I am always able when sober to clearly make right decisions.  I still make wrong ones sometimes, but it is easier to make the right ones when I am sober.  I hope that makes sense.
4. I am saving money not buying a ton of alcohol.  That gets expensive after awhile.
5. I used to eat a lot of crap when I was drunk, and because of that, I gained a lot of weight.  I don't know if I really have lost any weight, but quite a few people have told me that I look thinner, and my skin looks clearer.

Maybe I should just carry this list around with me to help me remember NOT to drink.

In other news, last Monday I had an interview at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  At the end of the interview, the guy said, "I will call you Friday to tell you when orientation is."  Therefore, I thought I had the job.  Well, he didn't call Friday, but another lady there called this morning and said that they were not hiring.  UGH! I had already told a bunch of people I got a second job.  He should have said, "I will call you Friday to tell you if we are hiring you."  Or something along those lines.  But, no, he made it sound like I was getting the job.  I am frustrated.  I really want a second job.  I want to go to Utah with some money in my pocket.  So please pray that I can find another job.

Moving Day

Ah, I am all settled in to my new place.  Well, almost.  I just have to hang up all my clothes.  Here is the situation.  I am living in a house in Fort Collins with two girls.  One is staying, one is leaving, and another girl is coming next week.  The lease is only until through July, so in August, I am going to pack up again, and head off for Utah.  Here are some pictures of Joanna's Big Fort Collins Adventure:

On Friday, I packed up my stuff at my Parents' house.  This is about a third of it.

My room.  A very flowery bed.  Also, there is a cool shelf above it.

Desk and chair, obviously.  My room would not be complete without James Dean.

The side of the house.  That dog, who coincidentally is named Riley, is leaving Sunday.

And the backyard.

All in all, I am pretty happy with my new digs.  Just holler if you want to come visit me.

Happy Mother's Day

Someone asked me today what the best thing my mom ever told me was.  I answered, She told me I love you.  Everyday, she made sure my sisters and I knew that she loved us.  And even now, we may not see her everyday, but there is no doubt in our minds of her love for us.  So thank you, mom, for always saying I love you.  Even when I was being a troublemaker, or not saying I love you back, or even when I was making a life choice you really did not agree with.  I hope you know that I love you, too.  You are the best mom a daughter could ask for, and I am so happy you are mine.

My mom, me, Erin, Jessica, Elissa

All My Possessions are Dying

I feel like all the stuff I own is starting to die, and will need to be replaced soon.  I am really attached to my stuff, and maybe this will be a lesson in, I don't know, not being as attached.  My dad said my car is getting old.  I love my car.  He (yes, he is a he) is a 2001 Pontiac Sunfire, silver, beautiful.  He is my baby.  I named him Orange Cream Smokecicle, or OCS, because when my dad first bought him, he smelled (Ok, Liss, is it smelled or smelt?) like smoke.  I got a orange creamcicle air freshner, and then, he just smelled like orange cream smoke.  Together, OCS and I have had some great memories.  Here are a few:

1.  When Dave and I took a road trip in OCS to Wheaton.  He got me to all that awesome Saga food, and of course, to visit Erin.
2. Finding out today that two of the Elders accidentally nicked it, just barely, then waxed away the mark a couple days later at HNS.  It happened a few months ago, but I just found out tonight.  I cracked up when they told me.  I also think it is hilarious that they thought I would notice one tiny scratch in the mess of scratches that litter my poor baby.  They said after they waxed it that they realized the shiny, clean spot was more noticeable than the nick.
3.  Driving with Meg to Greeley a week ago.  I introduced her to Mumford & Sons, and to my crazy side.  Just kidding, she already knew about my crazy side.
4.  Every single time I drive with my windows down and the music blasting in the summer.  Especially on a warm summer night.


A couple of weeks ago, the battery in my computer died.  Now my computer has to be constantly plugged in.  It is running slower and my memory is almost completely full.  My computer, or Pinky, came to me when I was seventeen.  I have watched countless movies and shows on him (all my objects are masculine, no matter how feminine they look) and typed many words on his keyboard.  But I fear his life is coming to an end.  I looked at the new Dell Inspirons in pink, which are the same kind as Pinky, and I think it may be necessary to buy one by the end of the summer.  Here are the nine main things (mostly internet things) I use my computer for:

1.  Facebook
2.  Netflix
3.  Wikipedia (LOVE!)
4.  IMDB
5.  Google
6.  Sporcle (Haven't heard of it? Go to it now.)
7.  Gmail
8.  Perciante Press
9.  iTunes

Lastly, my television is dying.  I am not as sad about this as the first two.  Probably because I never named it. It's even just an it.  But, since I was eighteen, it has pretty much been on a constant loop of the Harry Potter movies.  You see, the awesome thing about Harry Potter 4-6 on DVD is that after the movie ends, it goes back to the main menu, then after about two minutes, it starts the movie over again.  So, I used to just pop the movie in, and sleep with it on, and it would just run and run and run constant Harry Potter.  The DVD player doesn't work on it anymore, and it is huge (though, not as gargantuan as some I've seen.)  I probably won't take it when I move.  In January or so, I got the flu and felt like I was dying.  Zach put in HP for me, and I immediately felt better.  It sounds like I am really attached to Harry Potter, and I am, and this tv was what helped me watch HP over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

I am not titling this, because I don't know what it will be about yet....

My coworkers and I have started taking little walks during our lunch hour.  It is very nice, and the sun gives us energy for the afternoon.  We also bond and share secrets and gossip.  Today, the caseworkers were at a conference or something boring like that, and my boss is on vacation, so I took a walk by myself.  First of all, while peaceful, not as much fun.  Second of all, I feel way weirder taking a walk by myself.  I think every car that passes me is judging the random girl walking.  Probably not, but that's how I feel.  There is a greenhouse behind my work, so I stopped inside and looked around.  Some lady thought I was an employee.  In her defense, the outfit I am wearing does sort of look garden-y.  Here is a picture....

I wasn't holding a watering can and a plant, though.  I just really got into character for this picture.  Thanks, Dad, for taking it for me.  Anyway, the greenhouse was really nice, and smelt like soil and flowers, and was so nice and warm and humid.  It was a nice break from the INSANE morning I had.  Like I said, my boss is out on vacation, so I was in charge of the food room.  We were absolutely slammed this morning.  It was sooo flipping busy.  But we got through the morning, even though one of the volunteers said she was never coming back.  (She was joking.  I think.  I hope.)  By the end of the morning, the shelves were bare of food baskets.  I started to freak out, because only one volunteer was scheduled to work in the afternoon.  I called two Elders and begged them (I didn't really have to beg) to come in and make food baskets.  They were my heroes for the day, and Elders of the Transfer (a new award I just made up today.  I am always thinking up awards for the volunteers.)   But, as it turned out, it was like dead this afternoon.  We spent the first two hours working (slowly).  The next half hour watching a slideshow of food room pictures on the computer.  And the last half hour closing up shop.  It was two extremes in one day.   The Elders and I also took an awesome picture, but I left it at work.  Maybe on Monday I will post it, cause they deserve their time in the spotlight via this blog for helping me out today.

Now, I can no longer spoil this beautiful day in this dark room, sitting in front of my computer.  I am off to read The Hunger Games.  But first, a picture of a lilac....

Forgiveness... Even for those who we think don't deserve it

When I made this blog in December, it was originally titled "Musings about religion, politics, life, etc."  I changed it because I HATE talking politics and thought that there would never come a day that I would write a post about anything remotely going on in the world of politics.  Ha, how wrong I was.  I just have one little musing about the death of Osama bin Laden.  It really has nothing to do with the politics of it, but the subject is one of the biggest political issues of the past decade. Here it is...

Last night as I was praying before bed, bin Laden came to my mind.  I asked God to be with those people who had lost family or friends in 9/11 or in the war on terror.  Then, I thought about forgiveness, and if I, had I lost anyone to bin Laden's acts of terrorism, could ever forgive him.  I immediately thought, never, he doesn't deserve forgiveness.  Once I thought that, I remembered how earlier that day at church, I had been thinking about how it doesn't matter what sins I have committed, or what sins some drug dealing gangster, for instance, has committed, we are both the same in that we are both sinners.  So, why would I deserve forgiveness anymore than bin Laden?  We both don't deserve it, and that is why we call what Jesus did for humankind, grace.  The difference now is that I have faith in that grace, unlike, I am sure we can all agree, bin Laden.

I hope no one who reads this thinks I am saying that it was ok for him to do the awful things he did.  Of course, I don't think that at all.  I truly hope that the families and friends who lost their loved ones can find closure in this ending.  And I am proud to say I am from the same country as the men and women who worked and fought so tirelessly to find this man.

May Snow in Colorado

It is the first of May, and it is just barely snowing here in Loveland.  I actually hate when it snows in April, and loathe when in snows in May.  I was telling my coworker a couple weeks ago how I feel like grown-ups (yeah, I don't consider myself a grown-up, yet) are always talking about "getting moisture."  For instance, they will say, "It is very cloudy outside.  I wish it would just rain so we could get some moisture."  I do not want moisture.  I want the sun, and the heat.  I want summer.

Anyways, this post isn't going to be just about my hatred of getting moisture, and my hope that when I'm a grown-up, I'm not obsessing about it. (What tv show is it where one of the characters hates the word moisture?) The snow and winter always reminds me of hard seasons we may experience in life.  When I was 18, I got a tattoo of a Japanese character of folklore.  Her name is Yuki-Ona.  She is inhumanly beautiful, with translucent skin, and black hair.  She glides across the snow, leaving no footprints. In many stories, she reveals herself, and traps travelers, freezing them to death or turning them to ice.  She is winter personified.  The tattoo represents a winter in my life, and by that I mean a period of time in my life that was particularly difficult, a time that I did not want to forget and let happen again.

Lately, I have been dealing with something difficult.  I needed to let something go, and I needed to say goodbye. As I was driving home tonight, I passed Namaqua Park.  I love love love Namaqua Park.  My sisters and I would walk down there on summer days and play by the Big Thompson River, and on a couple occasions, if the water was calm, we swam in it.  I had my first kiss at Namaqua Park (well, it wasn't my first kiss, but it I like to pretend it was.)  I've been kicked out of it by cops before, but c'mon, really, Loveland, you close your parks at ten?  I've fed squirrels pancakes there, laughed, cried, fought and made up at Namaqua Park.

So, tonight I stopped at Namaqua Park to finally let go of this something.  It had just started to snow, and the grass was wet, and the dirt path down to the river had turned to mud.  The snow was making little ripples in the river, and it was beautiful even in its gloominess.  I felt like the weather was mimicking my feelings.  I was sad, so sad to say goodbye, but it is no longer winter, and I knew there was hope in the spring.  The trees had little leaves on them, and the grass was looking greener, and this snow wasn't going to hurt them, it was just going to make them stronger.  And even though my life has a little bit of snow falling on me, it will just make me stronger.

This is a picture of the evening May snow in Colorado.  It is such little, light flakes, almost rain, that you can't see it in the picture.  This is outside the window of my bedroom at my parents' house.